Women. And Men.

I have three brothers. We were raised by one beautiful woman in south-west Sydney. After 14 years out of the work force raising us kids, she struggled to get back in. She picked flowers on a flower farm almost 7 days a week to keep the roof over our heads (just, but she did it) and food on our plates.

I am lucky. Lucky I had a mother who instilled a good work ethic in me and always encouraged inclusion with her children. She never told me I couldn’t do exactly what my brothers were doing. Sure, she didn’t exactly love (okay she hated it) when I was five and really wanted to quit ballet and play Aussie Rules with the boys, but she never told me I couldn’t.

In year 7, my first year of high school, I came equal first in our end of year project for woodwork. Equal first with a boy. My teacher said to me in front of the class ‘did your dad help you with yours?’ It was more of a statement than a question. He didn’t ask the boy who also was marked the same as me. Mum and I still laugh about that. She’d never doubt I could beat a boy on the tools.

In year 10 I wanted to take panel beating as one of my subjects for school at TAFE, but the male careers advisor said I couldn’t because ‘you are a girl’. My mum never said I couldn’t. In hindsight, us girls were told a lot in school we’d never do things because we were girls. I cringe to think I only finished school in 2004.

I am lucky. I have three amazing brothers who let me on every snow and wakeboard trip (that I could get to), they let me play every footy game, and cricket match. I was allowed to bat or bowl first every single time I wanted to. When Nintendo 64 came out and they had introduced the wonderful 007 game where you could play four player, I of course also had my own control. And yes I always chose to be Natalya. I could go on for pages about how great these three were. But the point is, they never ever ever told me I couldn’t do something because I am a girl. They weren’t better than me, nor I them, we were equal. We are equal. Us four always looked at each other and never saw boy nor girl, rather person. Even now, it’s exactly the same. In fact they always have and always will push me to be better.

I am lucky. I have a wonderful boyfriend who never tells me I can’t, or I won’t. And believe me – I come up with some whacky ideas at times.

So on this International Women’s Day 2018, I want to shout out to the brilliant women in my life – and men. We are not fighting a gender war, but fighting to be equals. There are so many incredible women I work with and have in my life who I look up to. But I also want to say I am not afraid to point out that I also look up to some pretty incredible men.

I was forced to plug my nose with a panty liner

Thank you Carefree. If it wasn’t for your g-string panty liners, I would have bled everywhere. From my nose people. Not the downstairs. I was on a train into the city, Sydney that is, reading a book. The old school …

Is there really such thing as a perfect ’10’?

Like really.. is there?

Because a boy told me there isn’t. No woman – nor man – is a 10 (and when did we decide we judge people with a bullshit rating system anyway?). And I get it. We all have flaws. No one is perfect, and we deem a ’10’ perfect right?

After much discussion of how there isn’t such thing as a 10, I have to say I agree. At least I kind of agree.

The thing is, if you don’t think the person you’re with is a 10, are they the one for you?

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and she said her boyfriend has flaws, so he’s probably not a ten. She also said she has flaws and probably isn’t a 10. However they’re a 10 to each other. And if you ask either of them if they consider the other to be a 10 the answer would be heck yes.

And that’s what got me thinking. Maybe finding a 10 isn’t the fact that you have done it.

‘It’ being found the fucking non-existent unicorn.

But perhaps being so in love with someone allows you to see past the flaws, and consider that person to be a 10. Love and acceptance = the perfect 10 for you. (Even though they might slide to a 5 or 6 when they’re being a pain in your arse, ha).

Ladies and gents.. the floor is yours. Have you found your 10? Or does it just not exist?

And if we don’t consider the one we’re with to be a 10, is that okay?

The S**t That Happens To Me.

I hate catching cabs as it is. I really do. There’s no light to read my book, most of the time they smell funny and the driver always wants to talk shit the whole ride. The other week I decided to stick with one driver for all five of my work days and told him to come every night at 11.15PM to take me to work. Because of the extremely early (or late depending on how you look at it) hours I was doing the driver decided he would buy me a coffee every evening before picking me up. Oh isn’t that just a lovely gesture.

WELL, on the second night we took off as usual. Good ol’ driver passes me my coffee. In slow motion I see said coffee tipping over out of his hand, going, going, gone. Right into my lap! Boiling coffee spills onto my thighs, my crotch and runs right underneath me. FUCK! I have no tissues or napkins. The driver says ‘oh sorry, I don’t have any napkins’. We are on the gosh damn M4 and there’s nowhere to pull over to get any for a while. I contemplate the situation for a minute, before taking the knitted black beret off of my head and shoving it in between my legs. Man the coffee was hot. And all I was really thinking was ‘oh no, I am wearing my new cute blue and white striped knickers’.

I travel the whole 45 minutes in silence. Warm, coffee stinking, uncomfortable silence. I refuse to drink the latte in my hand I am so pissed off.

On arrival to work I toss the now half-full coffee into the bin (cursing it) and tell one of my close work mates – who is the only one in the newsroom at that time of night – what happened. I tell him no one else needs to hear what happened, but I needed to rant to someone, it was going to be a long shift.

I go into the bathroom to try clean up however I can. I am soaked. I stink like coffee. I have no way to dry myself and there’s nothing open to buy new pants (at midnight? Come on now). My white knickers are stained beige…

My nifty solution is to line my black jeans and undies with paper towels. At least to separate myself from the wetness of my clothes. I’m talking full paper towel padding. Thighs, butt and crotch.

I walked out of the bathroom feeling like I was wearing a frigging nappy. When I get back into the news room my work colleague had been joined by another. They both look up at me and start laughing their heads off. I immediately yell at the guy I had told and he says ‘it was too good not to repeat’. I tell them ‘GREAT! And now I am wearing a fucking nappy’. We all start laughing…

I swear this shit only happens to me.

Leave us girls alone

Earlier this week I followed a link with the headline ‘2DAY FM host Sophie Monk posts an unflattering Monday morning selfie’. I’m not that down with all the celeb business, but with this headline I immediately thought to myself: how bad could the photo be?

This is the photo.

Sophie posted it on her Instagram on Monday morning writing “I look like a crazy lady. Hair is set, no make up and hormonal. Oh wait … I am a crazy lady #shoot #freezing #CrankyPants ;)”.

Sophie, clearly happy with herself and what she looks like (and she damn well should be) without a spot of make up on, was immediately shot down.

News.com.au wrote that the ‘unflattering’ photo should have come with a warning.

Someone needs to tell me what the hell is wrong with this picture? I’ll tell you what – NOTHING. If I bloody woke up every morning looking like this I would be one happy girl. But this isn’t about me. This is about every single young woman who clicked on the link and looked at Sophie Monk – who is, quite frankly beautiful in this picture – to see she was being put down. And then trying to work out what exactly is wrong with the picture. I bet not one person opened this link and thought ‘Sophie looks like shit’.

I’ll tell you what this kind of article is. It is one of the precise reasons that young women struggle with body image and self-esteem.

Who is anyone to say what the perfect look, body type, or what beauty is? Who are you to tell me? Last time I checked it comes in many different forms. And why the hell, shouldn’t any girl, in fact EVERY girl wake up of a morning, look at themselves and think ‘I am beautiful’?

People are so quick – too quick – to put down others. And for no. bloody. good. reason. (Mind you it is usually those who aren’t happy with their own lives that are always quick to try and destroy other people’s hard work or good fortune)

Let me be me. Let me be beautiful in my own way. Let every girl.

Furthermore, I’d love to know if it was a bloke or a woman who wrote this.

End rant.

See the article here: http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/day-fm-host-sophie-monk-posts-an-unflattering-monday-morning-selfie/story-fn907478-1226972006349

 

How did a buck’s party turn into this?

NOTE: Names and ages changed so my friends don’t get pissed that I share our personal conversations!

Buck’s party – a party held for a male before he enters into marriage to celebrate his last night of “freedom”. 

There are so many things in this above description that I can just not identify with at this time in my life. Buck’s parties are not merely a ‘night out with mates’ for boys anymore, but rather full-blown trips to Vegas or Bali that can last up to three weeks. Last night of freedom? As far as I am concerned, a man had his last night of freedom the night before he asked a girl to be his girlfriend. The lines have somehow become so blurred along the way.

Of course the first thing I find when researching buck’s nights, is a website in Melbourne that is offering the ‘hottest’ strippers and activities, and spruiks a bunch of comments from ‘pleased’ previous attendants from these nights. Wait, why do you need the ‘hottest’ strippers when you are about to marry the woman you love?

See none of this really makes sense to a woman. If she is in love and about to get married she sure as hell isn’t thinking ‘oh shit, I have one night left. One night left to have some hot guy sweat all over me.’

Topless waitresses, girls jelly wrestling and even those particular strippers who will do more for more money, have been involved in stories I have been told about buck’s parties. The thing about that is, that is what I have been told – without the guys breaking any of their typical ‘what happens with the boys, stays with boys’ boy code. Kind of makes you wonder.

Some women spend all their energy fretting and panicking in the weeks leading up to a buck’s weekend. Other women spend the whole weekend trying to phone their partner and end up crying and becoming sick they are so hysterical. But is this a trust issue or how every girl feels?

Fiona, 26, is about to get married, but first (of course) comes the buck’s and hens parties. “I am going to the Gold Coast with friends and my bridesmaids. I want to go to Dreamland and to a shooting range, relax on the beach and obviously go out,” she said. “I wanted to do something a little more action packed, but no one was keen for paintball.”

On a little bit of a tangent, this point got me thinking about something I have always argued with my boyfriend about. My boyfriend is lovely don’t get me wrong. I am that girl who always ends up with the boys, on the boy’s trips and nights. He has never let me miss out on anything. But, there are girls who do miss out on great things because other boy’s girlfriends don’t do what they want to do. Snowboarding, wakeboarding, paintball or even just drinking beer and watching the footy (which I do every weekend with my boy) – most girls aren’t interested in these and therefore they all tend to turn into boys only events (come on girls, start doing cool shit – don’t be scared to get your hair wet).

“Jack’s (Fiona’s fiancé) friends were trying to organise a trip either to Vegas for a weekend or spend a week in New Zealand, snowboarding – both were the same price,” Fiona explains. “It was suppose to be a surprise from the boys for Jack, but when he was told, he decided that they should go to Thredbo to snowboard for a week, as it would be more enjoyable.”

“I think strippers are acceptable, but only if the guy wants one. Jack has insisted it’s a waste of money and to spend the money on alcohol instead,” she said.

Although not every woman agrees with strippers, we are at a time where I feel like girls just feel like they have to accept it, because they feel the boy will just do it anyway.

When asked if males get too wild on their buck’s nights Fiona said: “I think it’s an excuse for males to go overboard and do the things their future wife will never allow. None of them are Donald Trump or the actors from the Hangover, but they still take full advantage.”

So is it actually the groom or his friends making these extravagant plans? From everyone I interviewed, it was almost always the boys making the plans, not the buck.

For all those ladies that don’t agree too much with the modernised buck’s weekend there is perhaps a new change in the air. It seems that some boys (thank gosh) still do believe in a more traditional buck’s party as opposed to this wild holiday it has turned into. 29-year-old Matt, who is married, says: “I’m all for a buck’s night, but for me they should be about having fun with your close friends- who because they are your friends, should respect your wife to be.” What he told me next impressed me even more. “I can’t think of anything more disrespectful than getting the groomsman totally wasted, than paying a stripper to come and shove things in places only her husband to be needs to ever see.”

Matt goes on to explain that if a guy does not respect his fiancé enough to not have strippers or not spend his night looking at other naked women, than perhaps he isn’t fit to be your husband. He also says the same thing goes for the friends of the buck. If they can’t respect the bride and groom enough to understand this, than it is time for new friends.

Then there is 28-year-old Dan. Dan says he doesn’t really think that much of buck’s parties and that they are just another societal tick box – not unlike the marriage certificate that follows. Dan has been to a couple of buck’s parties and as a best man, has organised one too.

“It’s meant to involve fun, laughter, excitement and youthfulness. Yet equally it involves pressure, expectation and disappointment,” he said. “It’s a strange, confusing orgy of shitness really; men taking their one last opportunity to do things that they normally would never be allowed to do. It’s kind of sad isn’t it? That one must engage in a bunch of crass activities in order to feel like they’re ready to never do them again – for ‘as long as they shall live’.”

“Honestly, I think it’s a bit sad. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fun! It’s just a bit sad when you dig a little deeper,” he says. He explains how his buck’s party will definitely not involve strippers, jelly wrestling, hookers, dwarves, etc. “I don’t like the idea of validation from some dirty stripper who doesn’t really want to be there.”

It’s a nice feeling to know not all boys are the same. And what Matt and Dan say really makes sense. There is no point in going and spending a night with other women, right before you marry ‘the’ woman of your dreams. But even if your man has a stripper or topless waitress at his buck’s night, it seems like a guarantee that he was not the one who planned or wanted it. It is just a whole bullshit bunch of pressure.

Also, as a woman, don’t feel like you need to spend all your time choosing the colours of serviettes – plan something fun yourself. And plan it for a few days. If that’s what he gets to do, it seems only fair.

As for wet the baby’s head… that’s a whole other story, for another day. 

Oh.. you missed the point

The following comment was submitted to my first blog post ‘Girls Gone Wild’ and I desperately felt the need to respond, through a new post.

Here is what ‘stopslutshamingnow’ said (copied and pasted):

stopslutshamingnow commented on About

In alignment with this stereotype of women, that if a girl wears small straps or skirts, they must be seeking promiscuous attention or activity, the term ‘ladylike’ has received similar outrage. According to the dictionary it means;
1. Characteristic of a lady; well-bred
2.Appropriate for or becoming to a lady. See Synonyms at female 3. Unduly sensitive to matters of propriety or decorum.
4. Lacking virility or strength. But this is an outdated term. Just like men are no longer sole breadwinners, women are no longer submissive to men, acting as their property. To perceive women in a strict light of behaving well, appearing dainty and feminine and obeying a man’s command is creating a false, invalid stereotype. Yet this image of what a woman should be, “ladylike”, still exists in society. Women are criticized for not being ladylike if they swear, wear suggestive clothing, go against traditional norms such as not wanting to cook, having short hair or being loud. If a man, however, behaves in this manner he is not considered an equivalent such as “ungentlemanly”, it is normal. These days, if a woman decides not to shave her legs, to have short hair and use profanities and have a career instead of children, that does not make her less feminine than any other woman. It makes her admirable for being independent and headstrong.

Who are you to say what ‘ladylike’ is? Girls can wear what they like. So what if a girl puts pills up her vagina, what does it have to do with you? It doesn’t make her any less feminine, she’s experimenting and living life.

Where do I even start with my response? I’ll take it from the top…

First of all, your response is invalid in regards to my piece. I did not talk about what girls dress in, swearing or even go near your talk of ‘obeying a males command.’ I didn’t even come close to reflecting an opinion on any of what you mentioned. I stuck to two specific examples of (yes what I think) what is un-lady like behaviour. Number one is defecating in public places, and number two is sticking pills up your vagina. And hell yes I think this is disgusting behaviour from girls and males of the like, but my piece is on young women and how their attitude, etiquette and behaviour are changing in society.

With my two specific examples I even state: ‘there is a chance that this behaviour only seems more rife of late because of the possibility for it to be broadcast to the world. A few examples of poor behaviour could be spread via the Internet internationally and a whole generation could be judged on it. The minority may appear the majority, but that is not necessarily the case.’

Basically, you missed the entire premise of my article. In reading your response I wonder if you even actually read past the heading.

A friend said this to me the other day ‘gender equality is only a good thing if it is progress. Nobody wins in a race for the bottom’ – and I just can’t think of a situation where this would apply more.

May I also point out the fact that you remain anonymous and your listed contacts lead to nowhere, states that you yourself are ashamed of such behaviours and want no one to know that these are your views.

Furthermore, your screen name ‘stopslutshamingnow’ is an atrocity. The fact that you think you are a feminist, but call your female counterparts sluts is down right ridiculous. I couldn’t think of a worse name to call a female.

In finishing up I would like to say that if you believe shitting (OK defecating but being crude gives such a better effect) on the ground in public and shoving pills in your vagina is acceptable behaviour, good for you. Really… good luck with that.

Girls Gone Wild

Note: *Name has been changed for confidentiality

‘Girl blows mud at festival.’ That was the first thing I saw yesterday when I logged into Facebook. It was a video of a young woman about 20 years old, defecating on the ground at a festival. She was in front of a crowd and being filmed. One male festivalgoer was even standing behind her sniffing at the air whilst she was being filmed.

Women’s etiquette, attitude and behaviour in society have changed drastically in the past few decades. So what is going on?

The young woman in the video was wearing a singlet and skirt, had sat down on the ground, pulled down her knickers and proceeded to poo on the ground. At the same time she tried her best to push a boy away from her who was pretending to sniff the air. When she had finished, she pulled up her knickers, stood up and stumbled around before walking away – clearly intoxicated.

This kind of extreme behaviour is not an isolated incident. You only have to click through to a website such as ‘embarrassing nightclub photos’ to see girls doing un-lady like things, such as hitching up their skirts and urinating in the gutter.

Fighting, drug taking, alcohol abuse and not so lady like behaviour are all on the rise. The rate of female assault nationally increased by 49% from 2006/7 to 2009/10.

Jessica* is 21 and lives in Sydney. She frequents festivals and nightclubs and would rather take drugs than buy alcohol. “I don’t drink when I go to festivals as alcohol makes me tired. Even if I wanted to drink it’s way too expensive. I can pay $25-$30 for a pill or cap and I am charged for hours.”

In fact Jessica has smuggled drugs into festivals, for herself and other people. “I wrap them up in glad wrap, wash my hands, then I wrap them again. I add a third layer and in it I include herbs like pepper and nutmeg  – just whatever is in the pantry. Once everything is wrapped properly, I cut the string from a tampon and tie it to my package. I insert it in my vagina like it’s a tampon, so if I do get searched I can say I have my period and can show them the string to prove it. It sounds silly but I never want to be caught and judged by my family and friends.”

Other girls use things such as coffee and chili in the home made ‘packages’, hoping to mask the smells from any police drug dogs. Some also have the idea that things such as sunscreen on their skin can mask the smell.

This behaviour may seem absurd or even frightening to some girls, but for more girls than you think, it is totally the norm. “Parents have no idea what its like to go out clubbing or to festivals these days, so many people are smacked out of their brains. I try to be sensible and I think if you can’t control yourself, you should go home,” Jessica says.

Expert Psychologist Dr Lissa Johnson (www.lissajohnson.com.au) from Sydney says that the potential for damage to a young adult’s brain, which is still forming in the late teens and early 20s, is very real. Bingeing on recreational drugs is particularly risky; researchers debate whether even one binge may cause lasting damage to brain chemistry. “People often say: ‘I’ve taken drugs and I’m OK’, but that may not be true. The effects of drugs can be subtle yet profound and can manifest as personality traits or social and emotional issues, such as lack of motivation, disorganisation, anxiety, mood problems etc. People tend not to attribute these things to drugs,” Dr Lissa Johnson said.

Dr Johnson explains that in some ways girls doing these kinds of things are ‘giving the finger’ to some of the pressures and injustices that contemporary young women face. She says cyber bullying is an ever-present possibility, and young women are more likely than men to be bullied on sexual grounds or for a lack of decorum. Perhaps these girls are saying: ‘bring it on – you can’t humiliate or embarrass us. We can’t be shamed’ – there might be a quality of self-protection by pre-emptive self-deprecation.

It‘s no big secret that some members of the glammed up celebrity world are into partying and taking drugs. Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss and Nicole Richie have all admitted to taking drugs – and that’s just to name a few. And with an explosion of social media in the past few years allowing us to view celebrities on a more intimate level, this has perhaps had an impact on changing behaviour and attitudes in young women.

“We are only beginning to grapple with (social media’s) psychological implications, and parents have no precedent for helping their daughters to navigate life in a social media world. It is normal for young people to experiment with their adult identity and to push against the boundaries of social expectations. For young women that often means pushing against the boundaries of gender roles. Historically young people had only an imaginary audience to play to. Now they have real audiences and lasting records of their youthful experimentation,” Dr Johnson said.

So there is a chance that this behaviour only seems more rife of late because of the possibility for it to be broadcast to the world. A few examples of poor behaviour could be spread via the Internet internationally and a whole generation could be judged on it. The minority may appear the majority, but that is not necessarily the case.

The Internet is now flooded with videos and pictures of girls ‘baring all’ – wearing limited clothing when they go out, getting drunk, taking their clothes off and there are some really vicious girl fight vids.

A police officer from Kings Cross LAC who cannot be named says: “Girls fighting, taking drugs and peeing in the gutter is so common. That is the least of our worries with all the other things they are doing.”

Dr Johnson says that social media is fascinating and a new field of research for psychologists – so new, that they are only beginning to understand it and its effects. She says for the first time in human history any person can create and manage a public profile, whereas before that was left for the celebrities. They haven’t even begun to understand what the long-term psychological impact may be.

So social media may exemplify pressures in society and whilst the ramifications of social media and its affects on young women are yet to be fully understood, it is still one of the massive factors in us seeing these types of behaviours.

Gender equality has been increasing in many areas Dr Johnson explains. A recent Home Office review of the Sexualisation of Girls in the UK found that young women and girls are constantly feeling pressure to conform to what society defines as beautiful at very early stages. This premature sexualisation can lead to self-esteem issues, as the girls get older. Research in America has indicated that narcissism in young men and women has been rising, while empathy has been declining.

Perhaps this increasing gender equality also has something to do with the women acting more like men. People are a lot less likely to think less of a man for urinating in the gutter or on a tree compared to a woman. Dr Johnson says: “It may have a quality of ‘We are tired of tottering around trying to look super-sexy and perfect in our mini-skirts and high heels. We have bodily functions too. Here – take this!’”

But a change may be in the air in young Australian women. Dr Johnson says research in Australia paints a different picture. “Ongoing longitudinal research from Melbourne University is finding that young people in Australia (men and women) place a high value on family and friends, and have a high rate of volunteering and community-mindedness which continues to increase as they get older. The main change that has been documented among young women in Australia is a higher participation in post-secondary education. So perhaps this generation of Australian young women has their feet more firmly on the ground than we give them credit for!”

At least down-under, we appear to still value the more important things.